Journal​ Entry One: Breaking My Toxic Pattern

Last year I started writing random journal entries & I’ve decided to share some. This one is about learning to break my toxic pattern.

The Beginning

So where do I began…my first heartbreak was from no one other than my father, himself. I remember the day he called me & told me that he would not come to see me anymore. He selfishly blamed it on my mom. I guess they had an argument. He was upset, and now I was being punished. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but I think I was probably in the first or second grade. Imagine being 6-7 years old and being told by your “Dad” that you would no longer see him because of something that you had no control over. I believe that that day started a toxic pattern for me that would take years for me to break. Since then, I have had countless heartbreaks, but one of those heartbreaks taught me the most about myself.

Tasmanian Devil

I was dating a guy that for privacy purposes, we’ll call Tas. This name is very fitting because I used to call him the Tasmanian devil (more on that later). Tas & I had a long toxic history with one another, starting with the way we began dating. We were both in high school & set up by a mutual friend. What this mutual friend & Tas neglected to tell me was that Tas was ALREADY in a relationship. So we met & I was instantly attracted to him.

The First Break Up

As time went on, I found out about the other girl. Still, the way it was explained to me was that they were broken up & she was just crazy. Well, on Christmas of that year, I found out that she wasn’t exactly crazy, more so, he was lying to us both. She showed up, unannounced, to his family’s house for Christmas, there was lots of drama. Long story short, we were over. Now any sane person would have moved on & never talked to this guy again, but I didn’t. I felt like we had a crazy connection & it’s hard to move on when you have mutual friends. So, of course, we got back together & this pattern went on for almost three years. Until I finally had had enough of the cheating, or so I thought.

The Fillers

I dated two other guys after Tas, one of those relationships being even more toxic than the one I had with Tas. The only difference was that this time I was the cheater. We’ll name this guy Hall. Hall & I knew each other for some time, and I always had a feeling he had a crush on me. So one day I decided to give it a chance. Let’s say we were both not meant for each other & this relationship ended with the police being called. Probably one of the scariest/most humiliating days of my life. Looking back, I see where I went wrong. I, in no way, blame myself for his actions, but I know that I was not wholly innocent.

Toxic Combination

Anybody that knows me knows that I had a previous incident where I slapped my ex when I found out he cheated on me. Well, that behavior carried on into my relationship with Hall. We would get into huge arguments where I would slap him; he’d threaten me, break something of mine, or throw it in the trash. Looking back, I think my mom had an idea that we were abusive towards one another. She would leave domestic violence pamphlets around the house. My mom would never confront me about it; she would say, “here give this to any of your friends who you think might need it.”

Unsafe

Now, I know you are dying to know why I called the cops, I won’t go into every single detail. The only thing I will say is that while Hall did put his hands on me, he did not physically harm me. I was more scared than hurt. I did get a minor injury, but that was from me running away from him. That day emotions were very high & all I remember was him saying to me, “why won’t you just love me?”. While he was screaming this at me, he had me pinned up against a wall & I felt like I had no idea who he was. Eventually, after he realized I called the cops, he left. I remember balling my eyes out and calling my mom begging her to come home.

You’re Not A Bad Person

Til this day, I don’t think he is a horrible person; I don’t even hold any resentment towards him. Honestly, for a long time, I wouldn’t even tell anyone what happened. Strangely I felt like I needed to protect him, but I was also protecting myself. I didn’t care what he said to his friends & family; It did not matter to me what people assumed happened. I knew what went on that day & that’s all that mattered. You’ll notice another pattern of mine was protecting my exes. I wouldn’t go and bash them on social media, or run & tell their friends how they wronged me.

After Hall, I was dating another guy. We didn’t end horribly, we just were not meant for each other. We were friends for years before we dated & I wish we would have only remained friends. It sucks that the friendship is no longer there, but it’s a lesson learned.

I Went Back

Now back to Tas, I know I should have learned my lesson the first time, right?! But I didn’t. In hindsight, I don’t even regret reaching back out because this is where I learned my biggest lesson. In the beginning, there were warning signs that let me know he was the same person from before. I also just thought that since we were older, maybe he would get his shit together.

There is not enough time in the day to go into detail about all that happened, nor do I think I should. I will, however, touch on the essential parts. This relationship tested me in a way I had never been tested before. This relationship changed me entirely, and it also made me realize I was tougher than I ever gave myself credit for.

I Was Stupid

I was so deep in love that I began to accept everything he would do. It was to the point that I even had the mentality of “as long as I don’t know it won’t hurt me.” I’ll be the first one to say that is no way to live. You should never have that frame of mind…EVER. It ruined my self-esteem in a significant way. I began to think that I deserved that type of treatment & that I wouldn’t be able to find anybody better. What I really should have been thinking was, “I don’t need anybody, I have myself!”. I should have realized that if he wasn’t going to treat me the way I deserved to be treated that I could treat myself better. What I needed was to dig deep inside of myself & realize that the issue was no longer him, it was ME. I had stopped loving myself; I was more concerned about loving him. My thought was that if I could show him how much I loved him that one day he would change his ways.

The Last Break Up

Silly enough, the argument that broke us up was over a cup of coffee. It was obviously more behind that cup of coffee, but that’s what started it. I think I made Tas’ coffee the wrong way, which started a petty argument between us that led to an even bigger discussion. I honestly believe he started this argument because he wanted to go out with his friends but needed an excuse. We went from arguing over coffee to screaming about how we just couldn’t make us work.

We’re DONE

He went out with his friends, I went out with my best friend & while I was at dinner I received a text. The text was saying that we should break up. Now, this is where I got upset because it was all apart of his game. Let’s back up a little; I basically lived with him, so all of my things were in his apartment. Before I left to go out with my best friend, I already sensed that things were rocky. I offered to take my belongings out of his apartment, but he told me not to. Then I went to dinner & he wants to say that things won’t work and that we should break up. I want to let you know that I was unable to retrieve my clothes and everything else that was at his house for almost a week.

To this day, I have stuff that I never got back…stay tuned for more journal entries.

If your partner has ever hit you or threatened you physically, please reach out to someone. You should never feel threatened by anyone, especially not someone who claims to love you. 

The National Domestic Hot-line 800-799-7233